Of course, this idea of the perfect man plays out through our culture. Culture plays a role in how we imagine the ideal way of life and how we decide to follow it.  I was always told that eventually I would find a man that would provide for me and be my partner.  My family always said that when we found the important qualities that were required in a man, I would have found the ideal man.  This was wrong.

He was the complete opposite of what I thought he was.  A month into our relationship, we went on a trip to San Francisco.  On our way back, we argued, and he pushed me, not too hard, but it was still physical.  I did not feel there was anything wrong, on the contrary, I blamed myself because I started the argument, and I felt that I caused his behavior.  I often told him that I was not comfortable with the way he treated me and talked to me.  He would respond with comments that made me feel of guilty.  I was afraid of being alone and feeling so insignificant that it made me feel no one would ever look at me. I often felt that I was treated this way because that was the way he showed his love towards me. I did not realize that it was the beginning of a very emotional and physical abusive relationship.

As the relationship continued, everything began to go downhill.  The person constantly put me down, and I developed very low self-esteem.  I had always been a very confident person and during that relationship, I completely lost my confidence.  When I was in this relationship, I felt that I was the worst person in the world.  Whenever we argued, I took the blame because he constantly told me that I had such a bad attitude that I began to believe it.  He would continuously tell me that I was lucky he was with me, because no one else would be able to handle my terrible attitude.

My parents loved him, and he got along with everyone in my family as well as with my friends.  From their perspective, he was perfect in every aspect, except in being a good partner. He was a hard worker, family-oriented, great personality, everything I was looking for in a partner.  Despite those so called qualities was not a very supportive person.

Part of my fear in deciding to leave him was my parents.  My father told me that once we decided to introduce someone to him, it was because it was something serious.  He did not want guys coming “in and out” of the house.  I felt that if I left him, my father would be upset,  and I did not want to disappoint him.  Although I respect my father,I knew that I had to block what he said and save myself.  I am glad I did because after he found out, he helped me overcome this difficult period of my life.

I often felt that I was not in an abusive relationship because he never got physical with me.  Just because someone has never gotten physically abusive, that does not mean it is not abuse.  If someone yells and constantly puts you down, that is considered emotional abuse and you need to put a stop to it right away.  If you feel you cannot put a stop to it yourself, find help, there are many places where there is help for any type of abuse.  This is not the case, we have to follow our own thoughts and realize that we have to control our life and not allow others to do it for us.

The relationship caused me to be emotionally unstable all the time.  I was always questioning if I was a good person, or if I deserved to have someone in my life because I was such a horrible person, according to my partner.  Many times I would cry myself to sleep until one day I became conscious that this was not healthy.    When I began to realize that I was not in a healthy relationship, I knew that I needed to get out of it.  However, I felt that I would never be able to leave because my self-esteem was completely lost. I decide to seek help after I took an abnormal class at CSUN, and we had a guest speaker that talked to us about abuse.  At the end of class, the professor said we had a counseling department that we could go to if we had any problems.

I realized, two years later, that I had a problem. I finally accepted that I was in an abusive relationship and became aware that I had other options.  That is the first step, ACCEPTANCE.  If you do not realize that you are in an abusive relationship then you will not look for help.  If someone makes hurts you in any way, physically, emotionally, or mentally, then it is abuse.  Although some victims know they are being abused they do not leave their abuser.  Unfortunately, many women lack the strength, courage, or resouces to abandon the person who is causing them so much pain.

At the counseling center, I realized that you have to love yourself enough to not allow anyone to cause you any emotional instability.  Someone who hurts you does not love or care for you because if they did, they would want your happiness.  It was very helpful to meet with the counselor because she helped me and gave me a push to leave my abusive relationship.  It helps to speak with someone, especially a counselor because they are prepared to help people in need of professional help.  Although it can help to vent to others how you feel and they can possibly help you with a situation like this, it is better that one seeks professional help.  I am glad that I decided to get help despite my fears because it has allowed me to live a happy and stable life.  It was not until I began to believe in myself and with the help of my counselor, that I was able to live a healthy and normal life.

Please realize that if you need help, look for professional help because only they can assist you in the best way.  Although it took me two years to realize my situation, I needed to change my life, I encourage those who are in similar situations to ask for help because it is never too late.

For any assistance, here are a some of places that are available to help you.

CSUN Counseling Center
Phone (818) 677-2366
http://www.csun.edu/counseling/

Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health Sevices
Access Center 24/7 Helpline 1.800.854.7771
http://dmh.lacounty.gov/servicesDMH.html

San Fernando Valley Community Mental Health Center
Phone (818) 901-4830
http://www.sfvcmhc.org/

But, what is the real reason for so much suffering?  The real reason for so much suffering is the bad program that one has carried year after year.  And it starts in childhood. All the negative feelings such as insecurity and fear are the product of not owning one’s voice. When one does not own their own voice, it is the one that lives in eternal suffering.

I was a good example of someone who did not own her voice.  For a long period of time, I lived under suffering without knowing the cause of so much pain.  As a child, I suffered the constant abuse from my parents. Emotionally, my father used to destroy my heart and my soul every time I used to see him kicking and banging my mother’s head against the wall. My mother, trying to let go, used the built up anger against my father when she  physically abused me. I still remember as if it was yesterday when she used to get electric wires and hit me with them leaving marks and bruises on my body.

Sometimes, I wonder what was going through my mother’s head when she threw a lit match to burn me.   The burn was small, but the scar that it left in my heart and soul was deeper than the Grand Canyon.  The years past, and the horrible memories laid burried in my head and heart leading me to lose my self-worth and incapable of owning my voice.  Full of pain and resentment one day, I faced my pain, and I  experienced the dark night of my soul. When one experiences the dark night of the soul is when one feels worthless.  One cries, feels unloved and according to some researches one is capable of taking one’s life. When one realizes that one does not own ones voice it is very painful to realize that [It] “is behind all pain [one] ever felt” (Revolver 2007)

“Devastation will give [one] the drive to pull [oneself] out” (Anthony Robbins) The devastation that one has to experience is an everyday battle. It takes the longt period of time, and it is the most painful.  It seems that it is a battle with oneself, because in reality what one has to focus is “to believe [one’s] own thought, to believe that what is true for [one] in [one’s] private heart is true for all men.” (Emerson R-8) “The power which resides in [one] is new in nature and none but [one] knows what that is which [one] can do.” (Emerson R-9)  The only way that one can fight the lack of voice is by searching for the integrity of one’s mind.

Looking for answers and trying to own my voice, I started to educate myself. I started to read self help books, watch educational movies, documentaries, and listen to inspirational speakers. Reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz helped me understand that my parents were carrying with the league and programs from their parents.  I understood that as part of their domestication, they too lost their voice. My parent’s behavior was being carried like their own pain from childhood.  I learned to understand that they tried to do their best given what they knew.

I over came the pain when I finally understood that we live in a constant dream; a dream that one has to learn to let go right the next second of when it happened.  I learned to take out the trash out of my mind, as Socrates states on the film The Peaceful Warrior, “the trash is anything that keeps one of not being in the present moment.”  I started to practice living in the moment trying to understand the past and in many cases, I was capable of forgiving people who hurt me.  I understood that they were not capable of breaking the cycle of domestic violence that is being passed  onto the next generation.  Happily and loudly, I can say that gaining the courage to break the addictive cycle and learning to own ones voice is the key to succeed in life because one gains the courage to say and do what one thinks is the best for one’s self.

As a student even when I started college ten years ago, I possessed the passion for learning, especially something for new. However, my inside learner took a detour that eventually left me outside of the university.

I first attended CSUN in the fall after my senior year of high school all most 12 years ago. It was in my freshman year, and like many first year students, the year did not work out so good. Every day during the infamous fall semester, I was consumed with temptations and all the distractions to come from college parties. Who had time to study? I thought that such reality was an act and that the movie industry invented these types of story lines to project tickets. This cannot be real, can it? Let me tell you that it is all true, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Eventually, my actions affected my study habits and my grades. My actions landed me on academic probation. Now, don’t get me wrong, other issues on top of the “youthful indiscretions” that contributed to my lack of attendance, such as paying for my apartment, bills, food, gas and other necessities for me to live on my own. One other reason was at the beginning of the spring semester, the 1994 Northridge earthquake cracked the campus. The school’s physical appearance was in utter chaos. Parking was difficult to find, all my classes were in bungalows spread all over campus and to top it off, fences dotted the campus that made me walk for miles to get to a class that was directly in front of me. So eventually, I just took some time off, well, by the end of the semester, the school academically disqualified me. I could have continued at a community college but I decided to take a year off. This was a bad idea and ended up being a longer lay-off than I expected. The time off did allowed me to focus on work and by doing that, it helped me gain other attributes in my life. However, without a formal education, I could be promoted so far in the workforce.

Which bring me to my explanation of being a returning college student or I like to phrase it, a habitual learner. After almost ten years of missed education, I gave it another go. Did things change, yes and no? I mean, I eventually grew out of the youthful indiscretions chapter in my life. But now with age comes, a realization of what is more important in life. Some might say that coming back at my age and doing well is going to be effortless. Is it because with age comes as sense of maturity and understanding or because as you get older you get smarter? I agree that after so many years out of school, a new level maturity, and a better understanding of important of a college education, such things made me finally realize that I needed to return to CSUN. As you get older I do believe you get wiser, but in my case street smarts and books smarts are two totally different things.

Knowledge is the key to success. I realize that now. Kids that enter college right out of high school are thrown to the wolves. They are not prepared for the responsibilities that come with college life. Some have the luxury of living at home, while others have to work for their own homes. When I entered CSUN for the first time, I had no guidance. I walked on that campus not knowing anything but to go to class and to study. The distraction and temptations came later, and I was hooked. I was ill prepared for temptations and distractions that come with living the college life. At my age, it’s just as hard for me now as it was for me back when I was a freshman. I still have the responsibilities if not more that I had years back. School is something I became accustomed to and throughout high school it was so easy for me but I did not realize the difference between both spaces. I felt college was the same way and boy did I find out the hard way.

To return to school, I reprogramed my way of thinking. School is just like the workplace, you must put in the work to achieve the benefits of its purpose. I knew that the only way I can provide for my own is through education. As a student at Los Angeles Mission College, I had one thing on my mind, finish what I started. I knew now that education was the means to my advancement in life. In less than two years, I earned the right to step back onto the CSUN campus. With my A.A. in hand and transcripts showing my accomplishments, I felt re-established, but that was not the case.

CSUN would not allow me to enroll because of my previous academic standings, disqualification. I was made to fill out a Previously Disqualified Questionnaire (PDQ). At the time, I felt this was only a minor setback and that once they saw my accomplishments, everything would be okay. Well, I was wrong. I waited almost 4 months for an answer and the school denied me enrollment as a CSUN student. I was heartbroken. All the hard work and accomplishments such as earning Deans honor roll three times, Presidents award and graduating with honors Cum Laude – 3.5 G.P.A were simply tossed aside and meant nothing. I felt academically discriminated. Well being the arrogant and persistent Mexican-American that I am, I was not going to stand for it. So I did something about it and took a stand. For 3 months, I relentlessly pestered the school administration and proved to them that I meant business, and that this was a big mistake. One week before school started I received a call from an advisor from the EOP office to congratulate me. I was finally in and all I can think of was, God I did it. Whoever says hard work does not pay-off is mistakenly misinformed.

My advice to any incoming freshman and returning adults is not to be discouraged and overwhelmed. Hard work does pay-off, and I am going to continue to prove it throughout my time here at CSUN. Do not be to prideful, seek advice and ask for help. Do not be intimidated and afraid to contest for what you think is right. Take everyday in stride and remember that there were many other students in the same situation as you are in now. They eventually accomplished what they set out to do and I know for myself I will attain my goals as well.